Death Doesn't Happen To Us...

Like so many phrases, this blog title's meaning changes depending on a particular word's inflection.

Before hitting "post" I realized that if you put the emhpasis on Us (Death Doesn't Happen to Us), the phrase best represents how death is viewed by the majority: It's something that happens to everyone else but us. Ha! That made me chuckle.

But that's all fodder for another post. This time around, I wanted to illuminate a different version. Death Doesn't Happen To Us...

While watching an interview with renowned undertaker Rupert "Ru" Callender, I appreciated his reminder that death isn't something that happens to us, it's something we do. 

I've felt this sentiment in various iterations through my years of companioning those who are dying and their families. It's also a concept written and spoken of often in the copious books, trainings, videos, etc., I've studied these past 15+ years.

The concept that death is something we do is essential to why I'm so passionate about end-of-life education and supporting people in their grief. In my experience, death - and grief - are the most cathartic when held as communal happenings. When we make them clinical, 100% solitary, or about what "I want," we miss out on a chance for ourselves and others to be present to what it means to have a complete, richly textured, and accounted-for Life.

Let's face it: semantics fail us when it comes to speaking about dying, death, and grief. Those experiences happen in the realms of emotion, ether, and deeper awarenesses no words can touch. However, if you take a moment to think about death as something you will do - what does it bring up for you?

When I think about my death as something I will do, my truest nature springs into awareness.

It makes me:

• Want to do it well (always the high-achiever ;-) ) - with dignity, humility, and in a way that honors this sacred passage so my children and those around me can experience a death that refleccts the values I held in life.
• Learn all I can about it so it isn't as scary or daunting (perpetually curious).
• Deeply consider how I want to view treatment paths if I'm ever faced with a terminal diagnosis - am I scrambling to avoid death and choosing treatments that are toxic to the planet/others just so I can be "me" a bit longer? (working hard to practice what I preach).
• Learn how to face fear as directly as possible, allowing it to sit at the table with me - rather than blindly letting Fear control the Death-Avoidant show (life has only gotten better when I've been bold enough to lean into my fears).
• Practice accepting the inevitable so I'll be that much closer to doing so when it's time (good practice for any control freak).
• Identify who my end-of-life community is (including professionals in my area) so that I can die as comfortably as possible and without depleting my loved one's energy and lives (most at home in community).
• Using practices of letting go in all of their forms so I'm not as attached to material and monetary "worth" (protecting myself from myself). 

These are just some of the bullet points I use to frame the concept of My Death as something I'll do rather than let it happen to me - and wish I would have been more present when it's too late.

What comes up for you when you think about your death? About how you want to die - and how you don't want to die? Or about any fears you have about dying? It's never too soon to begin preparing.

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